


Just the touch of your hand

by sunnysideup



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: And its not all doom and gloom, Angst, M/M, Sad Liam, Zayn is amazing, dog related fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 08:11:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7214569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysideup/pseuds/sunnysideup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam is struggling.  Zayn offers love and something of a solution. </p><p>I needed to write angst.  This comes from a prompts list and 'You can't protect me' is on it and that's what inspired this, there is niceness at the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just the touch of your hand

Sometimes it all feels like he's pretending. And that all he feels is just him going through some teenage angst. Except he's 26 and the angst lasts more than a day or two at a time.

He can't remember the precise moment when it felt like someone turned off the light to the point where even thinking emotionally, summoning up the energy to even cry was lost on him. Its all numbness when the sky isn't filled with gloom, and his mood sinks lower, he thinks perhaps he should be grateful to not feel emotion but on some level at least, he misses it.

Not that its entirely lost, sometimes on a good day he feels frustration, that its taking him so long, and then other days he'll feel something akin to a feeling of relief when there are no expectations of him and no one asks him with some fake bright smile 'How are you?' The good part there is outweighed in the next moment by a feeling that they don't ask because they're tired of asking, because they're tired of him and who can blame them?

He stares out the window, and he's like every cliche in the book as he does before he turns away burying his head in his hand and sometimes he can remember how he was before all this started, before the weight of responsibility he feels even though Zayn and everyone else say there is none that all there is is a a desire to have him well again and on some level he knows this and yet he can't stop that thought process, and when he does remember, its like he's remembering some other life, when he wasn't liam, but LIAM! where his life was on fast forward rather than stuck in reverse like it is now.

There's one person that can ease all this in an instant though the pain always returns eventually, but till it does he can talk to him and the sound of that northern lilt and the gentle laugh make the clouds part for just a moment till he can sleep, or at least shut his eyes without being bombarded by thoughts and the blackness he spends his entire time trying to rid himself of these days. But he doesn't phone him, doesn't contact him, and this sometimes goes on for days because Zayn's busy and works away all week in London while Liam works from home in their home that's slap bang in the centre of the Yorkshire moors, and its worked since he glanced at him across the aisle of the plane on the way to Majorca with Andy and the lads and Zayn had been with Danny, Ant and his crew and they'd exchanged raised eyebrows but said nothing, and he'd forgotten all about him till he found himself in the queue at the gate and heard someone clearing their throat behind him, and he'd turned round, smiled and the plane hadn't been full, and they'd found an empty set of seats and they'd sat talking as if they'd known each other all their lives.

They'd moved in together 6 months later and Liam became ill 8 months after that, yet they're still together and if that isn't a miracle he doesn't know what is.

The sound of his phone vibrating on the table behind him stops him getting any deeper in thought, in memories and how your life can change so drastically and as he unlocks his phone and sees the message, smiling comes to his mind immediately or at least the thought does and that's as close as it gets to it these days but even that's more than it was six weeks ago so he chalks it up as a win, even though he's not even fooling himself.

**

Zayn's waiting for him outside the station when he arrives and he doesn't even need to beep his horn to get his attention, instead Zayn's face lights up and to most it would like a delighted smile but Liam knows its relief more than anything and that Liam's radio silence all week will have have had Zayn contemplating travelling home each night to see him. Liam's glad he's stopped doing that now, that he no longer hears the door creak open at 10.30pm, only for it to do the same at 5.30am when he had to leave, the guilt he felt at the knowledge that Zayn would be tired at work not just the next day but that it would build up was something he needed to be without and so they'd slipped into this routine where when everything was okay, they'd have late night skype conversations or not so late night where they'd cook together, except Zayn would be in the kitchen of the flat he stayed in during the week and Liam would be at home, 200 miles away and then when he wasn't so well, one text a day was enough, just enough to say he was still around and everything else was left unsaid because he felt Zayn's love even from all that distance away without needing words.

The boot opens and Zayn shoves his case into it, slamming it shut before he opens the passenger door and slides into the seat, immediately turning to face Liam and Liam forces him to look directly at him, forces a smile somehow onto his lips. Zayn sighs and then lifts his hand up where he brushes at Liam's hair, smoothing the slight curl.

'How many times do I have to remind you love, you don't have to pretend round me'

Liam never needs permission to feel sad because it happens anyway, but the fact that Zayn's so matter of fact about it, that there's no fuss but so much tenderness as he allows Liam to _feel_ so that he doesn't feel guilty or ashamed, it never ceases to make Liam feel grateful.

So the smile drops before it shows again, ever so briefly, as he murmurs a quiet 'Thank you'  and he feels Zayn's hand drop from his hair, but it lingers lightly on his thigh, just that feeling and that reminder that he's there and it stays there when he turns the key in the ignition, pulls away and right until they get home.

**

They fall into an easy routine every weekend, and for a lot of people Liam knows this type of thing is hard, that couples who spend so long apart and then have to play catch up that instead of concentrating on enjoying each other, they spend all that weekend acutely aware of all the things they've experienced in the week without each other and the fact that those experiences aren't shared, that instead of enjoying listening to it, celebrating their independence before being thankful that they can be together, it brings only resentment.

That's not it for them though as he sits on the chair at the kitchen table, both hands clasped round the mug of tea as he watches Zayn stick the last lot of washing in the machine, adjust the controls and shove in a liquid tablet into the drum before he slams the door shut pressing the start button then stretching a little, placing his hand over his mouth to cover the yawn and he must be knackered and yet he turns to face Liam smiling, all signs of the yawn gone and he sits down in the chair next to Liam's, picking up his own mug of tea but Liam feels his eyes on him and well the next bit is as much part of the routine now too, and thought Liam hates it, there's some crumb of comfort in the stability of it, the fact he knows its coming.

Zayn blows at the top of the mug trying to cool the heat down a little, before he takes a sip and then puts the mug down again.

'Scale of 1 to 10, how bad?'  

Liam doesn't reply immediately because thing is, its hard as when Zayn's there, the score naturally goes down because there's the comfort and the natural high of having him there and that feeling can sometimes take a few hours before it settles, and sometimes its not till he's lying there in the middle of the night with Zayn there breathing softly next to him, that the feeling crashes back down on him, there's even been times when its not been till the early hours of Monday when he's heard the sound of the door and then gone downstairs and its only been him then that the feeling and the blanket of grey folds over him so its hard and he has to think, and he never wants to scare Zayn because the worst moments are fleeting anyway.

'Four'  he says it quietly before he repeats it 'Four' and he nods as he does so, and in a way it surprises him because sometimes his brain only allows him to remember the worst times, when in reality its never so bad as it seems for the rest of the week and this week he managed to shower each day, and he remembered to get supplies for Zayn coming home, and he's been more than capable of laughing not just once, but several times  and he's been able to go for hours without feeling despair seep into him and so his eyes meet Zayn's who's looking at him intently, trying to read for signs below the surface, clues that he's fibbing and Zayn should know by now that Liam where this mess is concerned can't lie for shit.

'Four is good' says Zayn softly before he adds 'Well zero would be better, but four is better than last week and the week before'  he doesn't add that its better than the nine of six weeks ago, the nine that Liam never wants to relive, never had done before when he'd kept his worst feelings from Zayn all week till it all tumbled out and Zayn had said 'You can't stop doing this, you can't protect me Liam, not when all it does is harm you more'  And he'd promised,and he's kept it to it so far. 

Their eyes meet then and Liam takes a hand away from the mug and reaches out for Zayn's and they smile at each other, and its a real smile this time and as always just the touch of Zayn's hand is enough.

They spend the rest of the night talking, getting in each other's way in the kitchen initially before the easy routine comes back so quickly, and then they _still_ bump into each other, but its deliberate, and then they sit on the settee, practically sat on top of each other, with a bag of doritos and an assortment of dips and they watch shit Friday night telly, before they go upstairs and for the first night they just lie together, and there's still the indentation, the side of the bed that Zayn always sleeps in, its tomorrow when they've got up at the crack of dawn,  been to Sainsburys, been to see their parents and just been like any other couple that everything else comes, till its Sunday and its time for Zayn to go home and Liam does this every week, or more so lately that he wishes the whole weekend away and he wants to stop it but he can't.

He glances across to the clock on the bedside table, and its 5.33am and in 2 days time, Zayn will have been gone for three minutes, and its no way to live, this isn't so he shuts his eyes and wills time to slow down and maybe its just his imagination but somehow it feels like it does, just a little.

**

After that it gets easier, instead of thinking ahead to what's next, he lives in the moment, and the four drops down to a three, and then down to a two, and it never dips below that, and sometimes it threatens to go above that when they're talking about next weekend and all he can think of is the week in between but then he reminds himself of the work he has, and how things are looking better all the time on that front and just like that, even though its pissing down outside, he's not burdened by thinking of anything other than the present.

Its that living in the moment thing that means he doesn't cotton on, not immediately, well not at all until they're right outside the centre and then Zayn drives them into the car park, and pulls up and the signs are everywhere and Zayn jumps out the drivers side while Liam stares at the sign that's right in front of him before he says 'What?'  to no one in particular.

Zayn opens the passenger door and gestures dramatically with his hand for Liam to get out so he does and Zayn's beaming and its infectious so he finds himself joining in as where they are sinks in,  he hears the click of the locks as Zayn points the key fob in the direction of the car and then holds out his hand for Liam to take which he does and he squeezes it and they walk together towards the main entrance.

The woman in the bright yellow shirt behind reception holds out a hand in welcome as Zayn introduces himself and she doesn't seem surprised to see him, and then Liam's holding out his hand and she's ushering them into a small room, no windows, just a couple of chairs and a table in the corner with a load of paperwork on it.   

 

He sits down on one of the chairs as Zayn sits on the one next to him, and he stares intently at Zayn who smiles and innocently says 'What?' 

Liam's about to launch into 'What? what are you talking about, what? You know exactly what you sneaky sod' when the handle of the door stops him, and he can the yellow of the shirt but then his gaze gets swallowed up whole by what he sees almost on ground level.

Four legs, a tail that won't stop wagging, black and white with flecks of red tips on its ears and a face that's so expressive and its a bit like magic Liam thinks, how he thought he was a two in the mood scale before but on seeing the dog, he realises maybe he wasn't because the change in him on seeing the dog is instant, and he finds himself on the floor kneeling while the dog, that looks to be some kind of collie or something like that, wags its tail against his body and tries to lick his face off, and then Zayn's next to him, rubbing the dogs' ears and then the dog is rolling on the floor on its back and he feels himself smiling so hard.

'How old is he?' he says to the woman who's leaning against the door in the corner watching them.

'6 months old' says Zayn from the side of him and then he continues 'Had to come here when his owners had to move away almost as soon as they bought him, been here 4 weeks and I fell in love with him the moment I saw him'.

'You've been here before?'  At Zayn's nod he shakes his head, this isn't Zayn because Zayn can't lie to save his life then again he hasn't lied as Liam hasn't even suspected a thing.

'Came here last Friday, that's why I said I was fine getting a taxi, and that's why I told you to go out for a run to clear your head on the Saturday so Jill here could come over and assess the house'  He shrugs then 'I figured you wouldn't be too pissed off given that this little fella is the result of all that sneaking around'.

Zayn's right but he's still a sneaky sod.   'Why now?' he asks him.

'Why not? I was promised a kid so many times when I was younger and yet it never happened, and then we talked about it in the first months of being together, remember that?'  At Liam's nod he smiles then carries on 'And then you became ill and it never felt like the right time until it suddenly dawned on me that being on your own isn't helping you, and that you having this company in the weeks when you can't tolerate Louis,  Niall or Harry will at least mean you've got some and call it selfish but i want that comfort too and I think it'll be the best decision we've ever made but its fine if you don't want t-'

Liam cuts him off,  shushing him.  'You're the least selfish person I know Zed, you're everything and you've never stopped caring for me or what I need and soon I'm going to make it up to you every day when I'm well'

Zayn grins 'You said when, not if'   

There's no answer to that really, and so they stare at each other for a long moment, and Liam thinks his own smile is threatening to break his face and he doesn't think today can get better and he can't remember the last time he had that thought, but then a paw scratches at his leg and he glances away from Zayn for a moment and there's this fluffy joyful creature who rolls onto his back and barks for more attention, and yeah he was wrong, that's how the day just got better.

**

They call him Hulk even though he's small and they don't turn the TV on when they get home, instead they feed him on the choice cut of liver Zayn nipped into the supermarket to buy on the way home,  and then make a little home for him in the corner of the living room with the cosiest looking basket and all the toys which he shows interest in for about 5 seconds before he resumes his current favourite pastime which is nibbling the seam at the bottom of Liam's jeans. 

'Your smile hasn't left your face once you know babe'  Zayn says from next to him on the settee and he knows he's right and so he beams back at him and sees the same bright smile and he doesn't want to burst the bubble but he feels like he has to at some point because it can't always be like this and the reality is still there and that doesn't change even with the introduction of something like Hulk but he doesn't want to talk about it, not now.

'And I know it doesn't change things, not the real reality but even if it makes you look like this, and its so genuine, just once a day then its all worth it'.

He smiles at Liam, leaning into him a bit and Liam wonders for the hundredth time how in the world he got to be so lucky. .

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to end it with smut but it just didn't feel right though in a way perhaps it would have done with the whole feel of this entire mess. Sorry.


End file.
